Home for the Holidays

The holidays are upon us and to be completely honest with you I, like many others, find this time of the year very overwhelming.  My parents have been divorce since I was 12 years old, so the holidays for me have consisted of a lot of balancing between the two households. The family dynamic that I have grown accustom to can feel heavy, daunting, and simply too much during this time of the year.  Don’t get my wrong, I have a wonderful, loving, and supportive family, but it’s not a typical family you would see on Happy Days, but more of one you might see on Malcolm In the Middle. 

I know, from my own experiences, that this time of the year can be just as warm and magical as it can be challenging.  Therefore, I offer you five ways to prepare yourself for a holiday season that feels good, nurturing, and positive.

First, before you make your way home, take time to write down all of what you love about your life today.  For example, note how your home feels. Think about the positive relationships you have in your life.  Write down your accomplishments, as well as your top three values.  Basically, create a solid understanding of who you are as an adult who values them self.  Fostering this awareness can help prevent self-doubt, insecurities, and frustrations from presenting once you’re back in your family home.

The next tip is one I struggle with a lot when I go back home to my family.  That is don’t try to solve other people’s problems.  I’m not the only one in my family like this. My mother is the same way. Many times we get caught up in what I considered helping without truly listening.  We tell each other our problems, but while each of us is sharing, the other is only thinking about how to solve the other person’s struggle without fully listening to what the problem is.  Some families may engage in this behavior, or they may deal with what is called triangulating, which is when two people are communicating and trying to solve their problems through a third person, which could possibly be you. Instead of getting caught in the triangle, encourage them to either bring up the issue directly with the other person, or just to let it go.  It’s ok to offer some advice for how they might start the conversation, but be clear that you don’t want to get involved either verbally or emotionally.

Of course I cannot have a post without mentioning some kind of mindfulness.  This next tip is about getting in tuned with your body.  When we are around our families we take in a lot, such as food, alcohol, family chatter, and those prying questions about our lives and future plans, so it’s important to take a break and listen to what our bodies are telling us.  When you start to feel anxious about your abrupt grandmother prying into your personal life, take a deep breath and find your inner calm.  When you may feel the pressure to eat until your stuffed, because that’s what you’ve always done with your family, listen to your hunger and satisfaction cues. Differentiate between physical stomach hunger, and emotional mind hunger.  Getting your body moving is another positive way to deal with the pressure of the holidays.  Moving your body implies that you are taking the time to feel yourself, and that’s the key to returning to your reality and the life you created.

Another tip is to allow others their autonomy and their opinions. Growing up I would get very frustrated with my father, because we had different opinions about the world and how to handle social issues.  It took me until I graduated college to understand that it is not my job to change someone else, even if it is my father.  So when he would bring something up which I may have found offensive, instead of letting it set me off I would breathe deep into my gut and move on.  I realized that he grew up differently than I did, and his opinions have been his opinions for his whole life.  No matter what I say it is unfair of me to expect change overnight.  He allowed me to develop into the individual I am, and have the views and opinions that I do even if he didn’t agree, so why shouldn’t I do the same for him.  The best I can do is plant a seed for change and see if it grows.  As the years have gone on, I have noticed a change it my father, and as I have given him room to be himself, he has done the same for me. So, just as you want to live in your reality, your family has the right to live in theirs too.

Finally, my advice to you is to set boundaries.  At times I have noticed that I get very anxious, and I had to learn that I needed to set boundaries that made me feel good. Through my experiences, I have learned that it’s ok to say that I needed some time to myself, or that doing a certain activity made me feel uncomfortable. Before, I would be so worried about offending my, or my fiancée’s family, or to put someone out.  By doing that I was telling myself that my needs were not important and that I didn’t matter.  I had a right to have my needs heard. It was an important step I had to take for my own well-being and independence.  So remember that just because it’s the holidays doesn’t mean that I you need to stop taking care of yourself, and having your needs heard.

So as you move through your holiday season, remember these five tips to help you prepare a nurturing and positive environment, for those heavy and possibly daunting family experiences.  Remember they are your family, no matter how peculiar or frustrating they may be, they mean well and they do love you.

I wish you a wonderful and happy holiday season.

If you would like to learn more about how to prepare yourself for the holiday season, contact the Inner Door Center at 248-336-2868 for more information on our treatment programs or visit www.innerdoorcenter.com

 

 

Teaching Our Children About Healthy Eating and Body Image

I’ve been with my fiancée for over six years, and I get excited to think about what our children might be like, and how life will change in a positive way as we move forward in our life together.

Naturally, I worry about how I’m going to educate my child on how to eat healthfully and instill a positive body image. Everyday I see young people struggling with food and their self-esteem, and I know, as I become a parent I will not want to see my children struggle in the same way.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.  That is why I wanted to share these tips to help our children develop in a manner to have a healthy attitude about food and their bodies.

First it’s important to reinforce that it’s not about the way our children look, but the way they feel.  Basically, start to teach your children how to eat intuitively.  Ask your child “what would feel best in your body?”  This allows them to explore their inner signals produced by either their stomach or cellular hungers (explained by the seven hungers of intuitive eating), and make healthful and conscious decisions about what to have to eat.

Second, discuss with your child that there are no “bad” foods.  I’m a firm believer, and I try to educate my client’s everyday, that there are no such things as “good” foods or “bad” foods it’s all about eating appropriate for your needs, both physically and mentally, and learning moderation.  If we create shame about our children’s food choices they will begin to lose trust in themselves around food.  This causes them to become out of touch with their intuition and fall into anxiety and rebellious behaviors, not only with food but also in life.  Therefore, empower children to make their own choices.  At first I can’t promise that they wont take advantage of this, but by setting a good example yourself, I can promise that they will figure it out.

Next, don’t shame your child, or make them feel badly about who they are or the way they look.  This is always counterproductive. If you’re worried about your child’s health, because of their weight, focus on helping them make healthy choices that make them feel better. Forget about the numbers, and always let them know that they are beautiful.  Remember, they are still growing and putting that pressure on them at a young age can affect their development.

And yes, food choices are important, but it is actually why your child is eating that is far more valuable.  If you encourage your child to be in touch with their bodies, and make intuitive choices based on their hunger cues, they will probably be just fine.  Even so, if you suspect that their eating is based on emotional reasons, help them process those feelings, without making it about food… because it’s really not about the food.

Finally, if you struggle with your own body image or relationship with food, what do you think your child is seeing?  Make it your own priority to create a healthy relationship with food that you would also want for your child.  If this is something that you do struggle with, this may seem easier said than done, but by getting the appropriate help you might just surprise yourself.  Remember, it’s not just for you it’s also for your family.

If you would like to learn more about teaching your child, and yourself, about healthy eating and a positive body image, contact the Inner Door Center at 248-336-2868 for more information on our treatment programs or visit www.innerdoorcenter.com